Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
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