i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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