he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
