I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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