god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
