my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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