Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
