Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
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We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
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Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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