In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
