R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
