somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
