Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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