and you said cock pushups were impossible
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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