At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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