Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
