There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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