I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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