Your dad touched me again.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
