Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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