So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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