one might say we're banned from that church
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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