guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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