i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize