There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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