those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
