Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
