I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
