Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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