living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
