I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
