My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
