You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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