I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
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