i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
