I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
