you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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