I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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