you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
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sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
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I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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