i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
