I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
