Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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