Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
