Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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