on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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