my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
