remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
