I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
