90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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