I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
In other news, I just burned my penis
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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