well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
