I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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