if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
