just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
