everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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