Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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