I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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