you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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