You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
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He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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