I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Randomize
