I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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